Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
