I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
