dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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