New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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