he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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