I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
