hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
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