i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
