After last night, I could never be a politician.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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