toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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