I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
