i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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