we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
