we have officially lost it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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