That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
