she's into porn, im staying here tonight
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
