quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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