She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
