my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
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just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
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My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
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