It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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