Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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