The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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