i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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