I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
