You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
