when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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