I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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