Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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