This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
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and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
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Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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