So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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