your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You are the jesus of drinking
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
