Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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