before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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