I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
