First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
