I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
