Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
