im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
