you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
