I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
