Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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