New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.