No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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