haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
