I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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