But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize