I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
