just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
