You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
