After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
