i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
