u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
