she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
