Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
