sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
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you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
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I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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