ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
