if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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