I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
