apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
